Movie: The Happening

Quick note: Since I’m lazy, I’ve been putting off writing some of these movie articles for a while. There are three movies I’ve seen and made articles about, so be sure to scroll down a bit and read them all. =) With that said, back to the movies!

The most recent movie I went to see was The Happening, M. Night Shymalan’s newest big-screen debut. It’s also one of the worst movies I’ve seen in recent times.

Since I’ve already said is sucks, I’m not going to not spoil the movie, so if you actually intend to see it (I highly recommend against it), then GO AWAY.

You’re still here? Good. OK, the movie opens with people in New York’s Central Park committing suicide. One person stabs a hair pin into her neck, construction workers just jump off the building they’re working on, the works.

Cut to a school in Pennsylvania. Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg) is the teacher. Pretty sweet, right, bet you’d like Mark to be your teacher, huh? Wrong, he sucks at playing a teacher. It’s so unbelievable. Bad Part #1. He’s also having problems with his wife (Zooey Deschanel [anyone else think that’s one of the weirdest names they’ve seen?]), apparently.

Now, with all this talk of “terrorist activities” or whatever may be causing these suicides (“experts” on the TV are saying it’s some chemical that causes the basic human instinct to live to basically stop working, thus the suicides. In some way, they’re right. More on that later, though.), Elliot, Alma (the wife), his friend Julian (John Leguizamo), and Julian’s daughter board a train to Julian’s gandmum’s (ostensibly somewhere out in Bumfuck, PA where “terrorists” wouldn’t want to attack). The train stops in the middle of the line, and the characters learn that these “terrorists” are attacking smaller and smaller groups of people. Learning this, people start dissipating via cars and whatnot.

And this is where the movie takes a break from “normal” M. Light movies you see (I.E. you don’t figure out “what’s really happening” until the very end of the movie). Here (and this is barely thirty minutes into the movie) you learn the real reason to these suicides, but you don’t believe it at this point. You simply think, “No way, that’s dumb.” But it’s the truth. Wanna know what it is: IT’S THE GODDAMN PLANTS. Yes, the cause of the mass suicides is a chemical plants are releasing that acts like those described above.

Fucking plants. Bad part #2.

So, the rest of the movie is basically Wahlberg and Deschanel making up for their domestic problems, and getting farther and farther into the countryside with fewer and fewer companions (Julian and his never-seen-on-screen wife are long dead by now, leaving the daughter with the Moores). They finally end up at some Exorcist-inspired countrywoman’s house who is fucking nuts.

Long story short, the house used to be a stopping place on the Underground Railroad or equivalent, so a voice tube connects the main house to a shed in the back. Another long story short: the “plant attack” is supposed to peak that morning, and then suddenly drop off. Bad part #3. Well, as you can assume, the crazy old broad happens to go outside when the attack is at the peak, kills herself, all while Walhberg and company are staying inside. Wahlberg is in the main house, while the wife and kid are stuck in the shed thing. The communicate via the voice tube, and the guy decides that he doesn’t care that he might die, he wants to see the wife one last time. Luckily enough, the “attack” has stopped by this point, and they all live happily ever after.

The movie ends with the wife finding out she’s preggers and a news cast asking why the attack only happened in Northeastern US. Fade to France, where the movie ends with basically the same thing that opened the movie, only in Paris, not New York.

Another thing: I heard that the movie was supposed to be scary, but I didn’t think that it was at all. Sure there were some points, but it was more of “that’s gross” than “that’s scary”. The guy getting run over by a lawn mower, for example. Bad point #4.

I will also admit, there were some points when something casually mentioned turned out to be nice foreshadowing (like, when the crazy old bat mentioned the voice tube, or when the “scientist” on the TV said that attacks such as this one usually fall off very quickly after peaking). I enjoyed those parts, but overall, the movie was just bad.

Don’t waste your money on this one.

Rating: D-

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